Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I just Gave up!

So I really don't have an excuse for stopping my weight loss goal other than giving up and pure laziness. I really have a problem with giving up too easy and motivation. It all started when I stopped going to my spinning class on Thursdays. It just seemed as if something else would continue to come up on those days. So after about three weeks of missing that class I pretty much gave up going to the gym, working out or eating anything that was good for me. I just Gave up! With all that said I have not been to the gym in 3 months. About 63 dollars wasted. Gone right down the drain. I have probably gained like 15 pounds. I haven't even got on the scale to even see. It is just a Hot Ass Mess. Its really no other way to put it. I still yearn to be my perfect size 10 or 12. But they way things are going it seems as if i will never get there again!!

I have been going through a whole lot. Just emotionally, mentally and of course physically. I have been like in a daze. Just depressed about the way life is right now. Seems as if i will never be unstuck. Its very depressing. I try to have fun and be the outgoing person that I used to be. But i just end up back in a corner and very unsociable. I always have the feeling of i just wanna be home. I don't even see my bestie. family, friends.  just because i hate being outside or around new people. I just feel uncomfortable all the time. Like people are just judging me already. People always tell me "you shouldn't care what other people say or think about you" but its hard for me. I don't go to shopping like I used to. That's probably because living paycheck to paycheck and it is getting very hard to keep up with my spending habits. My job has turned into a job that I pretty much hate going to everyday. I used to love the job, but people are so not trustworthy its sad. they just try to stab u in the back. Life is crazy!

The constant feeling just to be at home in the bed has left me without the motivation or belief in myself that I will even be able to get another job. I wish i could sometimes just up and move to another state and just start people, friends, lifestyle. Just ready to move out!  When I first started this blog my ultimate goal was OCT 2011! I could have prob reached that goal if i would have just persevered. But now when I look at October 2011 the only thing that will be done changed is my age. I will be 27 still living at home, paycheck to paycheck, and overweight. Its sad. I just have to do something.

The daily things that I battle with should be enough to motivate me but somehow it just makes me wanna hide. I went to Bush Gardens with my lil sister, shes 24. i was so ready to go. I was just Hot and tired, feet hurting, sweating, hungry, thirsty. I was just ready to go. And the icing on the cake was i tried to get on a ride and the dude literally had to put all his weight on the seat just to fasten the seat belt. I was so embarrassed. this wasn't the Monique that i knew. It was like a little sappy, sluggish, depressed, chick And i had no idea who that person is.

But i know this blog is all over the place. I am on the road of getting back on track. I am trying to be a more positive thinker and person. I am starting to come out of my room and out of the house. Trying to take my medicine, even though that has failed too, so that i wont be sick, tired and out of it. I am trying to make this be the last negative blog that you will read about me. I am trying to keep it as real as i can. If i come to a crossroad again i am gonna at least try to type about it to try and get over it and keep it moving. i know that this is something that i can do. All around. i just need some motivation and help. imma sign off for now. Tomorrow maybe my thoughts will be together and will make better since. Until next time! Muah&Muah!